Red Flags and Ghosting

In this new relationship series, I personally believe this section may be one of the most important areas to pay attention to, especially since it is dealing with getting yourself into the right relationship with someone new. This is also one of the hardest, most difficult spaces to be in because, it may be super hard to make ourselves stop looking through tunnel vision and take action to walk away or speak up. This post is definitely not aimed towards a specific gender, since this can happen to either women or men. So, if you are a guy or girl who needs to read this, I truly hope I am able to help you.

Many of us have different viewpoints on what may be considered red flags, but here are a few large ones that I have personally gone through or have seen multiple times through friends: Lying, cheating, verbal or physical abuse, excessive drinking, drug usage, life differences (values and beliefs), no communication, narcissism, sending sexual pictures right off the bat, forcing you into sexual activity all the time, ghosting, doesn’t want to introduce you to his/her family or friends, or they have just been broken up with and are quickly trying to find someone new.

To start, just as I did in the “Dating: The “Talking” Stage" post, you need to be comfortable and stable in who you are. You have to love yourself so much that you are confident, happy, and would never allow yourself to devalue your worth for someone you don’t deserve. You need to learn from your past mistakes and finally know what you are looking for, and be strong enough to walk away when it just isn’t right for you.

Psalm 3:5-6

Trust the Lord completely, and don’t depend on your own knowledge. With every step you take, think about what He wants, and He will help you go the right way.

God makes our paths straight by PEACE. He wants peace for you, and nothing more that will hurt you. Know that He is with you every step of the way, surrender to Him and tell Him that you need His help in this journey…trust in Him that when He takes you away from something bad for you even when you don’t think that it is…He knows best, and is going to send you the best.

The thing is, if you are not confident in who you are, you will accept anything anyone gives you thinking it is the best you will ever get. When in reality it’s not. You have a blockage within you that is preventing you from receiving God’s BEST! God wants you to have good relationships, but you need healed inside first. Hand over your brokenness upon Him and let Him help you move forward.

When we are not confident or strong within ourselves, we tend to make expectations for what we have right in front of us. We place these on the individuals we are “talking” to without them knowing, and once they are broken, it just hurts our broken hearts more. Here are three expectations I would like for you to see the difference between. My church is so amazing and has taught us all so much, therefore, since this has helped me I wanted to share it with you too.

Unrealistic expectations: You have an expectation that a relationship will fill the voids in your life only God can fill. You’re in the relationship for what you can get from the other person.

Unhealthy expectations: You’ve experienced unhealthy relationships and have an expectation that it’s just how relationships are and how it’ll always be.

Godly Awareness: You spend your time becoming who you need to be to attract the type of person you want. You go into the relationship looking to give and add value to the other person. This is the stage in which you should aim towards.

When you are strong and confident in who you are and what you are looking for in a partner, you will not accept the red flags waved right in front of your face. Red flags are huge deal breakers, not the little petty stuff we just see as annoying. Such as their weird nail biting habit, or how they sleep with the fan on, or that their favorite dessert is a brownie when you’d rather have chocolate ice cream. Like no…those are just the small differences that are allowed to happen because we are not all alike. When we talk about red flags, we are talking about the hard, troubling, toxic behaviors that you should not have to deal with.

Don’t bother with the lying or cheating. If they can’t seem to be able to communicate with you at all, do yourself a favor and don’t communicate back; save yourself the time. If they only seem to care about themselves and don’t care to learn more about who you are, walk away. If they are sending you “pics” right off the bat, block them and move on. If they don’t want to introduce you to their family or friends, they obviously don’t want others to know that they are dating you for some weird reason. If they keep pushing sexual acts on you constantly, block them and remove yourself from that situation immediately. If they’re wanting a re-bound after they have been broken up with, walk away. This is yourself you are taking care of…don’t let yourself down.

At the beginning of this year actually, I thought I was ready for a relationship and to start dating again, but I really wasn’t. God spoke to me and told me not yet, but I decided not to listen. This guy randomly came into my life and I was excited to see what would happen, but I ignored all of the billions of toxic red flags that were seriously waved directly in my face since the beginning. I was too focused on seeing if it would work out. I was placed into situations I never thought I’d have to face, and go through things I never thought I’d have to go through. I was not strong, I was not confident, I was not strong enough with God to help me get out of this toxic “talking” stage with this guy. I will not give away the severity of these acts that I delt with, but let’s just say I finally put my foot down and called it quits. It took a while for the situation to die…but I am sure glad it did. This was one of the biggest lessons of my year, and from it I will never again accept the kind of behaviors that I delt with.

Ghosting

Ah ghosting, society’s new term describing the act of someone you are speaking to just randomly decides to stop all initial contact without telling you, and then you never hear from them again. No explanation, no opportunity for clarity. We actually all do this at one point or another in our lives. Rather that is through a work email, a friend, or someone we are “talking” to. Someone may decide to ghost when the situation is “too much” to handle, if there is someone else in the picture they see to be “better,” or they realized they went way too fast with the other person, got scared, then left.

Let’s put it this way, if the person you are interested in decides to ghost you, let them go. I know it’s frustrating and knowing you may never get an explanation just makes you want to explode…don’t waste your time or energy on it. They are not worth the fight. This is just a representation of their character. It shows they are not respectful, they are not capable of communicating, they can’t deal with confrontation, and they obviously didn’t care for you enough to be a man/woman to sit down with you and discuss. Is that really someone you’d want to be with? No.

A couple months ago, I went through my first ghosting experience. This was one of the most frustrating situations I have ever been through. I left me feeling confused, broken; like I was not enough. Our time definitely was not long, but things happened way too fast even for my own comfort levels. He didn't care to get to know me. The ghost likes to blame others for their acts so they don’t seem like the bad guy. Know that it was not on you. Even if you know you made a mistake here or there, they will always try to blame it on you…this is if you’re lucky enough to get somewhat of an explanation.

Ghosting is a major red flag in my book, and it’s ridiculous that it seems to be in everyone’s mindsets today. When this happens, save yourself the time and energy and ghost them too. They aren’t worth worrying over, they aren’t worth you feeling broken or confused because you aren’t. God will deliver someone who is capable of loving you, someone who wants to get to know all of you, someone who wants to care for you. Don’t let this ghost haunt you, and prevent you from reaching God’s best. Ignore their messages, ignore their attempts to like/view your social media posts. Don’t get pulled back in. If there is truly a good reason as to why they did what they did, hear them out, and evaluate it yourself if you believe this to be a good enough reason for their actions.

Here are three key aspects I learned in church that I want you to understand as well when it comes to dating and learning about someone new:

1. Don’t allow the dysfunction of your past to decide your decisions in the future.

a. Take a step back and learn from your past mistakes.

b. Build a relationship with yourself and God first.

c. Dysfunction=Desperation=Insecurity

2. Don’t allow someone who doesn’t see your worth and value to cause you to question your own worth. Psalm 34

a. The enemy loves for you to feel like you’re not enough. God knows that you are enough, please believe this too.

b. Discouragement=Desperation

i. Don’t allow your discouragement follow you into desperation.

c. You can’t add value to someone else’s life if you don’t know your own value.

i. Don’t tolerate toxicity.

3. Don’t allow yourself to think that you deserve anything less than God’s best.

a. Be with someone who compliments your life and your calling.

You are enough. You are strong. Don’t tolerate behavior that makes you feel less. Put your foot down and move on. Save yourself the heartache and confusion. Who God will bring into your life, everything will finally start to make sense again…save yourself for someone who values and wants to care for you. Someone who love you for who you are.